Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Randomize
