Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
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