the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
i've hooked up with him and three of his roommates and not a single one of them knows about it..think its safe to say i found the silver lining in a boys inability to communicate
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
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