maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
