So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
Randomize
