i was born a porn star she said
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
