the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
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