you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
