Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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