Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
Randomize
