i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Randomize
