one word: firstdatebathroomanal
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
My bed smells like the plague
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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