He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Randomize
