Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Randomize
