there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
Panties = found
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize