there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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