He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
Randomize
