"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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