it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Randomize
