i don't like sucking hair
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
Randomize
