you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
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