Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
Randomize
