Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
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