Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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