peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
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