Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
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