I don't think you know how difficult it is to pee in poncho..
the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Randomize
