she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Randomize
