I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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