He uses pillows to masturbate.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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