i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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