Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
Randomize
