i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize