yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
