it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
I just forgot I was standing up.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Randomize
