Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Randomize
