Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
Randomize
