Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize