Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
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