I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
Randomize
