Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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