I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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