Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
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