I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
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