Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
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