just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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