Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
Free body shot off of Sarah. Expires never.
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
Randomize
