now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
it actually wasnt that awkward...i planned on saying hello and walking away..then she asked if i wanted to go to lunch and i looked at her chest and said absolutely
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
