I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Randomize
