I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
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