Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
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