My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
