the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
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