She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
Randomize
