just do him I won't tell jon
um i'm guessing you meant to send this to tina, thanks for the support in our relationship you whore
Well you know what I always say about freshmen.... If you want it, and they've got it... get it.
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
Randomize
