She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
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