You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Randomize
